Come Over for Dinner--We Accept Most Forms of Payment
Published in Little Old Lady Comedy, April 28, 2025
The Gilbert Family wasn’t expecting anything out of the ordinary when they showed up at the Turners for a customary round of dinner and board games. Sure enough, the first part of the evening passed unremarkably. It wasn’t until after dessert that Sally Turner triggered the bizarreness, “Ron and I have something to show you, it’s in the living room.”
Ron Turner led the way, followed by Sally, their four children (including a set of twins), and their dog Russell. Their guests, Jane and Tim Gilbert and their three children, followed close behind. The Gilberts’ pet rabbit, Noodles, who was under the weather, stayed home. The entourage filed into the living room. “Holy Shit,” exclaimed the normally strait- laced Jane. Three Gilbert offspring heads shot around to see what imposter had replaced their mother. Jane’s other reaction was to tightly clutch her purse to her chest, but then she spread her arms out in a futile attempt to block her kids from advancing any further into the room.
Everything in the living room was familiar, except for the newly constructed six-foot tall racks of shelves bookending the fireplace. The professional sign on top of the rack on the left read, “TURNER FAMILY MERCH—WEARABLES”
The sign on the right read,
“TURNER FAMILY MERCH—COLLECTIBLES”
Multiple spotlights lit up both sides as brightly as a jewelry store display window.
The wearables included hats, hoodies, socks, and t-shirts. Samples of the smaller items were carefully placed on the shelves. There were clothes racks to the left of those shelves, displaying t-shirts and hoodies in a variety of sizes and colors. Those items had “WE TOURED THE TURNERS” emblazoned on the front. The back featured all six Turner signatures and Russell’s paw print.
Easily bypassing their mother’s attempted arm block, The Gilbert children squealed in delight, pounced on the wearable samples, and began trying them on.
The collectibles on the right included customized souvenir items. There were mugs with the photo and signature of at least one Turner family member, with an upcharge for the group photo that included all their signatures and the paw print. The Teddy Turner Bears went for $17.50. Teddy’s engraved nameplate necklace (up to 12 characters) sold for an additional $12.95. The key chains were in the shape of a pregnant woman, inspired by photos of Sally when she was carrying the twins. The oven mitts were unlike those available in run-of-the-mill gift shops. Not only did the mitts include images of the Turners’ faces with a visual of their favorite meal underneath, they were proven safe in the Turner kitchen for up to 350 degrees ($16.00), or up to 500 degrees ($22.00). The price tag on the 500-degree mitt read, “DON’T SKIMP WHEN IT COMES TO YOUR FAMILY’S SAFETY.”
Even more unique were the family photos. It was obvious that a lot of thought had gone into the pricing:
Turner Wedding Album: Digital $39.50, Hard Copy $83.50
Ron Jr. At Summer Camp Photo Album—The Early Years: Hard Copy Only $62.50
Debbie’s Doll Collection: $650.00 or best offer. Act now, only one set in existence.
Judy’s Piano Recitals: Priceless, but best offer.
Raising his voice to be heard above his children’s raucous banter, Tim Gilbert stated admiringly “Very impressive, you guys have always been ahead of the entrepreneurial curve.” He picked up one of the key chains to check out the workmanship and to see how closely it resembled Sally.
Jane, shocked by the avariciousness of her friends, felt like someone was trying to pick her pocket and resumed clutching her purse. She knew that it would be futile to try to herd her kids out of the room, but she tried to assert some type of order, “Put the stuff back on the hangers when you’re done, kids. Don’t fight over the t-shirts, you’ll tear them.” She was relieved that there wasn’t a “You break it--you own it!” sign in sight. Not wanting to offend her hosts, Jane forced herself to say something positive, “Mother Gilbert is always on the lookout for good oven mitts. She will love seeing your faces every time she takes something out of the oven. Better yet, she can frame a few and hang them on her kitchen wall.” She hoped that it didn’t sound sarcastic. When everyone was done shopping, Sally placed each item purchased in an appropriately sized “THANKS FOR SHOPPING AT THE TURNERS” paper bag.
Sally sent all the kids, bags in hand, into the media room to play some video games. Then Ron Turner led the other three adults back to the dining room. He took down the family portrait hanging over the center of the fireplace mantel, uncovering a locked cabinet with double doors. After looking around to make sure that no children were present, he unlocked and opened the doors, revealing the “ADULTS ONLY MENU.” There was only one item on the list, a DVD: SALLY AND RON BARE ALL (this item does not circulate--view it in the privacy of our media room—maximum of four attendees) $250 per hour, $75 per quarter hour or fraction thereof.
Tim, a fan of reality shows, suddenly became inquisitive. “Is it organized by episodes? Are there commercials? How many hours are there? Is it high DEF?” Ron was guessing that Tim was doing some mental arithmetic to see how much viewing his budget could accommodate.
Jane Gilbert—frustration mounting-- interjected, “Never mind, honey, it’s getting late, we’d better head home.” Her tone of voice, facial expression, and forceful tug on his arm were enough to take Tim’s mind off the Bare All video, but he made a mental note to search the web for “best side hustles from home” at the earliest opportunity.
Everyone gathered at the front door to say goodbye. Ron looked at Jane and held out his hand palm up. With the enthusiasm of someone giving up their firstborn child, Jane unclutched her purse and handed over her credit card. Most expensive free meal I’ve ever had, she thought.
Transaction completed, Ron cheerfully announced, “Sally and I will be emailing you a short survey about your visit tonight and your satisfaction with your purchases. Don’t worry, I’ll include an order form for our merch. Act fast, never know when an item will sell out or be in use.” Jane thought that she detected Ron winking at Tim and was anxious to inform Tim that he would be sleeping on the couch for a while.
Sally, obtuse to the Jane-Tim drama, wrapped up the evening, “Your feedback will help us improve our marketing—and don’t forget to rate us online. We’ll have you over again soon. Bring games—and some form of payment. We prefer cash.”
Wow - what an imagination!