Junk Mail Junky
Published in Little Old Lady March 19, 2025
Dear LoanSome Bank,
I found your letter in my mailbox today. Thank you for taking the time to write to me. I smiled when I saw your message through the little window on the envelope, “You’re pre-selected to apply for a personal loan.”
I patted myself on the back. What a high achiever. Not only selected, but pre-selected. It felt wonderful to be part of such a select, uh… pre-select, group.
I envisioned the honorific on my letterhead--Pre-selectee. Chosen to apply without having to apply to apply.
But as I am writing this letter, I’m wondering, wasn’t I selected to apply, rather than being pre-selected? Before you selected me to apply, I was pre-selected, but you spoiled that by selecting me.
Couldn’t you have left well enough alone and sent a letter notifying me that I was still in the pre-selected group?
I’m not smiling anymore. In fact, I’m pretty hot under the collar, and I’m resisting the temptation to throw a few carefully selected select words your way. Suffice it to say that you can keep your damn loan, take me off of your mailing list, and pretend that you don’t know me.
Yours truly,
I.M. Dunn-Withugh